Today is a very special day my friends, as it signifies the end to my first prolonged blogging slump. In fact, it has been almost exactly two months since I last posted anything. For any of you who actually noticed, I apologize.  While I would like to reassure you that it won’t happen again, the likelihood is high that it will.

The thing is, I have a condition called ADD (also known as Avoidance and Denial Disorder), which means I suffer from chronic procrastination and I just can’t help avoiding things.

Most of the things I avoid are perfectly understandable: phone calls, Dr. appointments, laundry… But sometimes I avoid things that I really enjoy, things that matter. Like writing my blog.

I have even developed a system to ensure the greatest chance of total self-sabotage, which is to wait until things are going really well and ​then drop the ball. Pretty clever, eh?

Anyway, in honor of overcoming my first anti-blogging binge, I thought it would be fun to share with you guys some tips and tricks I have honed over the years as a professional procrastinator. As always, please enjoy at my expense.

How to avoid absolutely everything in nine easy steps:

​1. Never answer your phone unless you are certain who is calling. Even then, it’s optional. Be sure to forget/lose your phone often. Breaking it is even better. Charge it sporadically. Bonus points for not setting up your voicemail. Triple bonus points if your auto-correct is totally jacked up and you refuse to fix it, resulting in endless texting/messaging/emailing headaches.

​2. Distract yourself with menial household projects. Make sure they are super low on the priority list. Some great suggestions are: organize the kitchen cabinets, deep clean the refrigerator, empty the junk drawers. The key is to do them all together, ​while also rearranging the furniture. Consider switching entire rooms around for maximum effect.

​3. Never have what you need when you need it. Got a boring appointment to go to? Lose your car keys. Need identification for some sort of legal crap? Bring the wrong purse. Have an important letter to mail? Only remember to buy stamps​ after you return from running errands. When you do finally get the stamps, be sure not have any envelopes. You get the idea.

​4. Keep details murky. Your facts and figures should always be a little blurry. Be as general as possible. For example, it’s okay to know that the party is at the end of the month. But do not remember the exact date. And never the exact time. And it should go without saying not to write it down. Alternatively, if you do write it down, be sure to refer back to step three.

​5. Find something to obsess over. My favorite obsessions include binge-researching conspiracy theories, reading entire books without taking any breaks, making soap and paper at inappropriate times, and, of course, rearranging the furniture.

​6. The more excuses the better. When the nagging begins (from yourself or others) it is important to have a heavy arsenal of brilliant excuses at the ready. These excuses should be very convincing to keep the guilt and negative consequences away, so craft them carefully.

​7. Complicate things. There is no better time to suddenly become a perfectionist than when you need to get something important done. While this strategy can work in many different situations, I find it particularly useful when a writing deadline is coming up.

​8. Overschedule yourself. This may seem counterintuitive, but the more you put on your plate, the less likely you are to get it all done. When you realize that you don’t have enough time for all your commitments, be sure to drop the important stuff first. If you keep yourself sufficiently overwhelmed, you may even decide it’s too much work to get out of bed at all, triggering a complete cancel-a-thon. Keep a good book around, just in case.

​9. Absolute avoidance. Out of sight, out of mind is extremely prophetic here. For example, when I am avoiding writing, under no circumstances do I turn on my lap top or even take it out of the case. Honestly, it can be risky to even see the case, so I stuff it in a corner of the bedroom and cover it with laundry. Denial is the name of game, my friends.

And there you have it people. Nine easy steps for avoiding absolutely everything. Go ahead and give them a try. Just be sure to surround yourself with some very patient friends and family, especially if you don’t want to end up a hermit in the woods! hmm….

As always, thanks for reading and don’t be afraid to spread the shame 🙂

Wholeness, my friends.